By the spring of 2014, my position in France was becoming untenable. Even the French intelligence services were beginning to see the connection between my presence in the country and France's own woeful economic performance.
'Use your singular brand of apathy to bring the country to its knees,' had been HM Government's original instructions, you may recall, and I had succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. Now it was time to bring me home before it was too late.
It came as little surprise to find my name in the Queen's Birthday Honours' List, though I could have wished for something more substantial than an OBE. They are virtually giving them away these days. Still it was a chance for the Queen to get to know me.
After all those years spent abroad, my knowledge of court protocol was a bit shaky so I was grateful when a courtier offered to put me through my paces before the medal ceremony.
'When you speak to the Queen, you say "Your Majesty", but when you are speaking about the Queen, you say "Her Majesty".'
Thus emboldened, I was ushered into a spacious room and made my way towards a gracious lady standing by the window.
'How do you do, Your Majesty. I am very pleased to meet you."
'I'm sorry', the gracious lady said, "but I am not Her Majesty.'
She was having me on!
Not to be outdone, I said winningly, 'I know you are not Her Majesty, Your Majesty. You are Your Majesty', adding, perhaps unnecessarily, 'Your Majesty'.
'No, no, no. You don't understand,' she said. 'Her Majesty is that lady over there," she added, pointing to another very gracious lady standing by another window.
I was at a loss. 'But - but you are not Your Majesty? Then who are you?'
'I am the Duchess of Cornwall,' she replied.
The Duchess of Cornwall? How was I supposed to address a duchess?
Your Holiness? Surely not.
Your Eminence? It didn't sound right.
Your Highness? Again, it didn't seem quite right.
Then I remembered some snatches of dialogue I had heard on television: 'Another glass of sherry, vicar?' and 'another drop of the hard stuff, bishop?'
Then I remembered some snatches of dialogue I had heard on television: 'Another glass of sherry, vicar?' and 'another drop of the hard stuff, bishop?'
Presumably, it was the same for a duchess. Besides, I was sure I had read a book in which a duchess was addressed as "duchess", and just hoped that the book in question wasn't a Raymond Chandler novel.
'I am very pleased to meet you, Duchess', I said. 'And how is Duke?'
J' ai beaucoup ri !
ReplyDeleteLovely!
ReplyDeleteI feel the advice regarding drops of sherry will come in useful for all time. That is, in the unlikely and unhoped for chance of our ever meeting.