I know that Saffron Walden is not England, any more than Aubigny-en-Plaine is France, but just the same the difference could scarcely be more marked. The one is not so very far removed from The Truman Show, the other is reminiscent of Straw Dogs; Saffron Walden and surrounding villages are full of sleek and friendly labradors who look you in the eye, while Aubigny is haunted by sly mongrels who avert their eyes as they scurry by, like so many wolves, and by mangy and vaguely hostile cats.
How to explain this extraordinary turn of events? We do not have to look very far to find the key. As you know, my peculiar brand of apathy has played a vital part in bringing the French economy to its knees, and it is only natural that the very absence of this apathy should make a signal contribution to the rise of England.
Fact: if you become a member of Waitrose, you get a free cup of coffee which slots handily into your shopping trolley and can be sipped as you glide through the aisles of what must surely be the greatest supermarket in the country.
Exhausted after your shopping spree? Head on over to the Waitrose Café and choose between a Small English Breakfast and a Large English Breakfast. I chose a Large English Breakfast.
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