With the Grandchildren

"Fifty-seven channels and nothin'on", as the Boss once discovered to his cost. He should have tried Channel 121 which is specially designed for young children and their grandfather anxious to keep them happy whilst drifting into minimalist mode himself. First up is Noddy, or Oui-Oui as he calls himself in France. In today's episode he is up against some pretty nasty types in the shape of Sly and Gobbo (Will Self and Martin Amis). It's a tough call but with Noddy on the case, along with his team Big Ears and Mr Plod, there can only be one outcome. Noddy is a lot of fun but not best calculated to induce the comatose state to which I aspire. For this I turn to the Barbapapas but after a while their relentless ecological kick begins to cloy. The same with Babar. Heidi is more to my liking, it and she epitomising the eternal values so hard to find in today's hectic world. The Japanese are very good at this sort of thing. Petit Ours Brun (Little Brown Bear) is also a good bet. Choupi and Bali are other favourites dear to my heart.

Pretty soon it's time for me to go to work. Today I am teaching English to a class of adult beginners. Peter is showing his French friend Marcel around the house. "This is the living room", he explains to Marcel, "and this is the bathroom". After a while they enter a room containing a fridge, an electric cooker and a dishwasher. "Is this the kitchen?", inquires Marcel. "Well, it certainly looks like it", replies Peter, momentarily straying off message.

Back at home, it's time to move forward a generation or two and to entice the children with an app featuring Les Schtroumpfs (The Smurfs) and Angry Birds. I myself would quite fancy watching something a little more grown-up like The Noel Edmunds Show but by the time the children are packed off to bed, I'm already fast asleep, having taken 6 tablets of Soneryl as a precaution.